Voted No? Time to repent and be saved

This will be my final post until after the New Year, so let me offer very best wishes for the Festive Season and the coming year to my modest but committed readership. I aim to reduce that modesty a bit in 2015. I am slightly disappointed that I have not yet managed to attract some of the zoomier Indieniers whom the Twitterati of a No persuasion seem fated to attract – their colourful style would certainly liven up the comments section. But perhaps sentences longer than 140 characters are a bridge too far for most of them.

Christmas not cancelled after all

In keeping with the spirit of the season for goodwill toward all men (and women), I am signing off 2014 with a good, grumpy rant. Those of you who inhabit the twilight world of social media will likely be aware of the existence of the fiercely pro-Indy website Bella Caledonia. Bella, along with fellow traveller Wings over Scotland, is dedicated to all things pro-independence. Bella doesn’t aim for any political balance or consensus, though in common with Ms Sturgeon she does tend to ignore any hard questions. Instead she has simply cancelled membership of Scotland for the 55% of us who got it so badly wrong back in September.

I have never quite worked out the rationale for sites like Bella, which sprung up like weeds during IndyRef. Most have since succumbed to post-IndyRef ennui, but Bella, and the Wingnut from Bath, soldier on. My personal theory is that while most No voters were confident enough within themselves as to how and why they were voting, the Yes camp needed to talk constantly to each other to reinforce the many Nat myths and prejudices. But of course that may simply be prejudice on my part - you get reasoned debate here, but if you’ve come for impartiality, you’re on the wrong train.

An offer you CAN refuse

Anyway, back to the gorgeous Ms Caledonia. You may or may not have heard that Bella, in keeping with the sentiments of the season, has generously opened her columns to those untouchables who were stupid or evil enough to vote No on 18 September 2014. Yep, all 2.1m of them. Always room in Bella heaven for one more sinner who repents, apparently. To avoid accusations of bias (and because I have a well-developed sense of the ridiculous), it is worth reproducing Bella’s invitation to the 55% sinners in its entirety.

“As we stagger about the burnt-out shell that is post-IndyRef Scotland, we are trying to make sense of it all. So next week we are offering a space for No voters to have their say. Understanding what the hell just happened before we all disappear for Christmas Pudding and box-set bliss is important – so we’ll be giving over space to allow No voters to express themselves now we are three months on. If you voted No – what do you think and feel now?

You might want to apologise. You might feel vindicated. You might have realised you were being lied to all the time. Does the oil price prove we would have been an economic basket case? Or does the pensions revelations prove that propaganda won? Did the Vow wow you? Whether you changed your mind or feel it was the right thing to do, we want to hear from you.”

It is hard to know where to start when de-constructing this hyperbole. “What the hell happened”? What the hell happened was that a democratic vote was held under the conditions and within the generous timescale set by the SNP themselves, and that the Yes vote lost decisively. No mystery there whatsoever, Bella, hen.

And “lied to all the time”? Well, it was a long political campaign fought fairly hard and sometimes fairly dirty by both sides, and election literature is rarely cited as a paragon of objectivity. But lied to? All the time? “Propaganda won”? That simply insults voters’ intelligence.

Not a waste land just yet

Then we get to the meat of it. “The burnt-out shell that is post-IndyRef Scotland”? Like others, I am saddened that my country has become a more divided and mean-spirited place than it was when Alex Salmond embarked upon his doomed vanity project in 2011. But a burnt-out shell? Last time I looked, it was still business as usual in this busy, relatively prosperous, first world corner of one of the world’s most successful and enduring political unions. Buses and trains were still running, pubs were still serving, Hibs’ results were still pretty erratic, you could still buy Eddi Reader's CDs in good record shops everywhere. Here on Planet Sensible, IndyRef was a small earthquake. No-one dead.

Glasgow's George Square - still there

Then we get to “You might want to apologise”. Apologise? What on earth for? Since when was any person exercising his or her vote in a free democracy somehow accountable to the losing side for spoiling their day? I mean, it’s not as if Lesley Riddoch and Pat Kane were pushed over Niagara Falls in a barrel as part of the No camp’s victory celebrations or anything, though I know people who would have paid serious money to watch that. 

Don’t talk about the oil

Personally I am waiting for letters of thanks from all the Indy fantasists whom my vote has saved from the potential economic basket case which is North Sea oil. In the run-up to the vote, Salmond and Sturgeon were told by enough expert oil economists to fill the Glasgow Hydro (ok, that’s stretching it, but you can see where I’m going) that oil was far too volatile a market to be the cornerstone of an independent Scotland’s economy. They ignored all of that. It seems pretty clear now that the figures used in Salmond’s White Paper Scotland’s Future were cooked to support what the SNP knew all along was a flimsy economic case.

So I suppose that, unintentionally, you have got some of it correct, Bella. This No voter certainly does feel vindicated, and does think that Scottish voters were being lied to. And the lies were not just about oil but about some other key areas, such as: membership of the European Union; currency; and who is really responsible for the current problems in the Scottish Health Service.

And the lies continue. Nicola Sturgeon’s latest line (parroted also by Salmond, Stewart Hosie and other SNP nodding dogs) that oil was “always a bonus” for the post-Indy economy is simply untrue, unless their White Paper is also fantasy fiction (on the other hand …). And for Sturgeon to keep repeating that the current rock-bottom state of the oil market is unimportant because Scotland wouldn’t have been independent until 2016 anyway is beyond risible.

Now cheaper than Evian water

Nicola claims that oil will be back up to $100 per barrel quite soon, though that is not what most oil economists are saying. $100 is in any case still well below Salmond’s cautious minimum of $113 upon which the SNP’s whole economic case for an independent Scotland is based. There are more holes in the SNP’s fiscal narrative than in the colander in which I will be rinsing my Christmas sprouts.

My country I vow to thee

And now we get to the Vow, which the Yessers have adopted as their great get-out clause for the SNP leaders’ breaking of the Edinburgh Agreement and disavowal of the Smith recommendations. There is no mention anywhere in the Vow of Devo Max. Smith has clearly set out the “substantial new powers” which were mentioned. The SNP signed up to that. If the SNP were trying to sell a house, they would have been sued for breach of contract by now.

But politics is all about Hearts and Minds, and 37.7% of the Scottish electorate still need to be convinced that independence may not be the better route for Scotland’s future well-being and prosperity. So if you do feel tempted to take up Bella’s kind offer, you can send your contributions to her at bellasletters at yahoo.co.uk – or via @bellacaledonia. I am resisting that temptation for two reasons. Firstly, a quick scan of the contributions thus far (yes, there have been some) have obviously been carefully selected for their blandness. And secondly anything at all contradictory to the Bella orthodoxy (which can be summed up as Westminster is the Great Satan and all No voters are the Footsoldiers of Beelzebub) is subjected to the usual ad hominem attacks in the comments section. The comments are longer than most of the contributions.

Nick likes Alex's Christmas present

And there does seem to be a disproportionate number of entries from No voters repenting of their sins. I do not know of even one voter who voted No because of the Vow. I do not know of one voter who switched from Yes to No at a late stage because of the Vow. I do not know of one voter who has any regrets about voting No, or who would vote Yes next time (in Bella’s world, next time is just a matter of when the minority rise up and demand it – how within a Parliamentary democracy this will actually be effected is less clear). A more cynical person might suspect that some of the entries are not genuine.

And if you are one of the No-voting Twitterati, I wouldn’t bother passing on any comments to Bella via that route. Bella’s commitment to open democracy is such that most of the noisier No voters on social media are summarily blocked from the site (including yours truly – I had to do my research for this piece via the back door).

A Christmas gift for Yes

I have a counter invitation for any Yes voter, Bella fan or whatever. Feel free to make your counter-comments. Feel free to tell No voters why we should be apologising for the current collapse of the oil price, for the mess the SNP have made of our National Health Service over the past 7 years, for the outright lies we were told by the SNP regarding European Union membership, for SNP’s breach of the Edinburgh Agreement and of Smith.

And if you’re confused about the reference to the Edinburgh Agreement, this is directly from the Scottish Government’s own website.

"Question: If Scotland votes No, will there be another referendum on independence at a later date?

Answer: The Edinburgh Agreement states that a referendum must be held by the end of 2014. There is no arrangement in place for another referendum on independence.

It is the view of the current Scottish Government that a referendum is a once-in-a-generation opportunity. This means that only a majority vote for Yes in 2014 would give certainty that Scotland will be independent."

Feel free to show us where in the Vow it states that the IndyRef losers were guaranteed Devo Max or any other form of independence by the back door. Feel free to list all of the ways in which the English Imperialists are oppressing Scots – what parts of our culture are not available to Scotland as part of the UK.

Unlike Bella, you won’t be blocked, you will be published and your submissions will be taken seriously.

Yes or No, we’re still all One Scotland, so enjoy your Festive Season. If you’re on a budget, a barrel of Brent Crude might be the answer to your problems. At under $60 a barrel, it’s currently cheaper than Evian water.

Nicola’s dream

With Christmas coming up, no post would be complete without a quick Festive tale. Here is mine.

The week before Christmas, wee Nicola snuggled up under her big blue saltire duvet with her favourite teddy bear Hosie and drifted off to sleep with dreams of what Santa might be lining up for the massive stocking she planned to hang over the Bute House fireplace.

She woke up with a start to find that she was sitting on Santa’s knee – yep, the real Santa, red suit, boots, long white beard (he looked a bit like Mike Russell actually, but no dream is ever perfect).

“And now, young Nicola”, said Santa, “I understand from my elves that you have been a very good girl this year. What are you hoping to find in your stocking?”

“Well, Santa”, said Nicola in a sleepy voice, “In my odd moments off I’ve been catching up on Game of Thrones on DVD. I kind of fancy myself as a bit of a Daenerys Targaryen. I reckon a couple of dragons like hers would really cement my position in the Holyrood debating chamber and shut those noisy Kezia and Ruth women up.”

“Oh, dear, Nicola”, replied Santa, “We do our very best to give all the kiddies what they want at Christmas, but dragons are a bit of a tall order even for poor old Santa. Isn’t there something slightly less exotic you might want?”

“Weeell…”, said Nicola, “There is this wee problem I’m having with my predecessor, Alex. Alex Salmond, you might have heard of him, Santa? He doesn’t seem to want to retire and he’s stealing all my limelight, and it’s making me very cross. Can’t you maybe get him to behave a bit better and to keep his mouth shut occasionally?”.

“Tell me, Nicola“, said Santa, “What colour would you like your dragons?”